Health & Fitness
The Queen Mother
Your mother deserves more than flowers. She deserves your reverence.
There was once a very special, very quiet man named Feter Chaim. Feter is Yiddish for “uncle” and Feter Chaim was my father’s uncle.
One evening (this was late 1950’s) the family sat down to dinner and silent Feter Chaim joined them. My father’s mother was in the kitchen and my father asked her for a fork. And suddenly the quiet old man was livid. With wide eyes filled with shock, he half-shouted in Yiddish, “Banutzen zich mit di mameh!?” (Using your mother?!) And then as quickly as he erupted he was calm, back to his silence.
My father describes the unforgettable righteous indignation of this gentle man who expressed such involuntary and sincere horror at the prospect of a child asking his mother to fetch him something. His sensibility was, if you want something, go get it. How could you even think of asking your mother to get it for you? Your mother!!
The message came across in high definition and has echoed down the decades to my father’s children, grandchildren and students: like a true queen, your mother deserves more than your love - she deserves your reverence.
That night, the bar was raised to a new high for one boy in Brooklyn and that boy’s descendants. “Honor your mother” is far more than an admonition to bring her flowers. Honor your mother means watch your tone of voice; avoid using her name; avoid using her altogether; find it unthinkable that your mother would exert herself instead of you; interact with your mother as you would with royalty: smilingly, respectfully, reverentially.
Complaints to your mother? If you won a million dollars would you kvetch about wrinkled bills! Your mother’s not perfect? Torah doesn’t command “Honor your perfect parents.” Just “your parents.” Her royal status is from birth. Your birth, that is.
Your mother having you - not pleasing you - is what obliged you to revere her.
How sad is it to hear people say, “My mother ruined my life.” As if they birthed and raised themselves and along came this woman and ruined everything!
If only today’s children and teenagers (and others) could be helped to genuinely feel this. Your reverence for your mother is as critical to your mental and spiritual health as her love for you. It is as critical to your relationship with G-d as fasting on Yom Kippur. It is more critical to your own parenting than all the parenting seminars on earth.
She’s your mother, not your BFF. Get off your landing gear and get your own drink; and get one for mom while you’re at it.
Make Feter Chaim proud!